China, Cars and Driver Stereotypes (a not-so-gentle rant)

An interesting quote by a long-time expat in Beijing from some years ago: “The Chinese Highway Code is extensive and if you read it, and if it were followed, it would put the Chinese driver at an extremely high level. Unfortunately I have to say that I believe that the majority of Chinese drivers haven’t even seen this set of rules, let alone follow them! Chinese drivers are extremely aggressive in their driving style and care little (i.e. not at all, if they even realize they are there!) for those people and vehicles around them and generally completely ignore the rules of the road. Until the Chinese authorities introduce a Traffic Department as part of the police force, and start to clamp down on drivers breaking the rules by hitting them where it hurts (in the pocket), then I only see the situation deteriorating as the level as traffic increases.”

THINGS HAVE CHANGED SOMEWHAT

It is funny to think that 95% of all drivers in China have had their driver’s license fewer than five years.  Beijing adds about 1,500 new cars a day, and it is not the largest city in China.  We take driving for granted in the U.S. because we are an automobile culture, and have been since after WWII. Chances are when your parents were pregnant with you they had a car, and their parents them; depending on how old you are, maybe even one more generation beyond that.

When I was in Beijing in January I was driving – or being driven; foreigners cannot drive unless they pass a test which according to my sister-in-law is very difficult – I passed a line of maybe 150 identical cars with five passengers in each. The procession was odd, so I asked what was happening.  It is a local driving school, I was told. Everyone is learning to drive and they are practicing on the relatively empty outskirts of the northeastern part of the city. This was just one company on a Tuesday, in the afternoon.  The cars crawled at fifteen or twenty miles per hour following each other; the drivers’ faces tense as they copied the driver in front of them. Regular drivers swerving into the opposite lane of oncoming traffic to get around this interminable line only made the new drivers more nervous.  They do this practicing several times and then are ready to pass a driving test. It was a comedy, and terrifying too. Truth be told, the swerving into oncoming traffic did not make me feel much better.  Our driver, J’s usual, has a picture of a Ferrari on his mobile phone. He craves speed and sharp corners. He honks incessantly and veers into oncoming traffic taking cat whisker width chances. He does pass in the emergency lane. He is a professional driver. That recklessness is what happens to all drivers after they pass their test and become suddenly overconfident. It is why insurance for young drivers is so high and why rental car companies do not rent to those under twenty-five. This is no video game; there is no re-apparate. The number of traffic deaths has soared in China.* ++

The highway safety here is getting better. Back in the old days, as quoted from the expat above, the usual passing lane was the emergency median on the right. The government became much stricter after a massive car pile-up happened and the ambulances and fire trucks could not get to the accident.  People died as a result.  Traffic police can no longer issue tickets, as they are too susceptible to bribes. The answer: put cameras everywhere. Take pictures of everything. At the end of the year you are sent a bill with all your infractions detailed, points deducted, and monies owed courtesy of the People’s Republic of China Ministry of Public Security; Department of Traffic Safety.  You had better pay your bill; and people do. My brother remarked yesterday that the system is working because on our six hour drive no one passed in the emergency lanes, and people obeyed the speed limit.  I guess there is something to be said for a big brother.  It is not that the Chinese drivers are bad drivers, they just haven’t the experience.

Given the inexperience of the drivers and the very powerful cars here makes me more forgiving of the idiocy one faces every day, but it means one has to be more vigilant too.  One only hopes that not too many people will die from traffic fatalities as the inexperienced drivers mature and can pass on some of that experience to the next generation. The problem is that as a control freak passenger there is nothing I can do wear my seatbelt and hope for the best.

I lost two very close friends when I was young to drunk driving. They were drunk and they were driving; driving fast and without seatbelts. I was made fun of because I wore a seatbelt in High School. I make passengers in the back seat wear seatbelts when I drive. Hey, you don’t like it? WALK!

Please buckle up…and hey! Let’s be careful out there (Old TV show reference)

Oh, if you want to see some of the silly questions for foreigners who want to drive in China, follow the link below…some of the questions are priceless http://www.shekouonline.com/drivingtest.html

On a separate note: I do believe that China missed the boat in the car modernization game; they could have mandated an electric car system here, and the world would have followed. With the the largest auto market in the world and growing exponentially, BMW, Mercedes, etc. would have jumped at the opportunities to sell whatever the mandate.  Even if the government started with buses and way stations for battery swapping as they built the highway infrastructures, the transition would have been easier. Oh well, I am not surprised at the short-term profit seeking. It is what we are as a species, no?

* http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080604194701.htm

++ http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2011-01/07/content_11808453.htm

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Cooking the tea and the smell of grass 2/3

If the leaves must be picked by virgins for purity, then it is fitting that the tea is cooked (or prepared) for consumption by old men working, drinking and smoking all through the night.  It is the ever present and inevitable Yin and Yang. Dirty, often toothless men crafting perfection wrought from the hands of virgin tea pickers. There is an open discussion as to whether tea is cooked or roasted, like coffee. Either definition works. You can tell a great tea cooker by his hands. They are blistered and calloused from moving the leaves in a circular pressing and shifting motion in a hot iron cauldron. As they cook through the night smoking, they fall asleep and their hands stop a fraction of a second too long. They jerk awake and curse, not even stopping to look. Long ago when I cooked in France, and a cook would cut himself, the chef would say, “C’est le métier qui rentre.”He meant that the soul of the profession was entering into you as you bled or got burned for it. I have yet to see a woman cooking tea, but I am sure they do. The entire village and the environs smell of a light citrus spring as tea is cooked. It is intoxicating. It smells fresh, positive and the aroma penetrates the body and leaves hope in the heart. If you have never smelled it, then the only comparison I can give to the headiness is that of a freshly mown lawn or field.

As China hurtles into modernization and becoming the dominant power on the planet, its old ways are dying. Tea is no exception; I can only speak of the green tea here; the commoditization has happened. Up until recently, maybe fifteen years ago, this little village did not have good access to outside markets and the side businesses of tea, restaurants, marketing peasant cooking, packaging, hotels, and guest houses. There were no fancy resorts much less the hyper expensive Amanfayun, which is now nestled in the tea valley. The Aman resorts are probably the most exclusive resorts in the world. There was no road or tunnel through the mountain. It was hard to get here, and almost no one had cars. Rural isolation ruled.

Green tea is cooked three times. The initial cooking is done to remove excess moisture, the second to set or press the flavors, and the third to finish the tea leaves and give them the proper aspect. The farmers did everything by hand and sold the product to middlemen who reaped most of the profits. With roads and tunnels, an affluent class now exists; it is all about the money. So, the farmers have started to take shortcuts to maximize tea output and profits. Now, all farmers do a first cook by machine. You can hear a hum thump – hum thump thump – hum thump – hum thump thump as the delicate bright green tea leaves are put through the first of the cooks with metal-tined combs and a damper heating, moving and fluffing. Some still do the final two cooks by hand, certainly the majority does the third, but many do not. You get about 25% more if you use machines; that is a lot of money. Even I, a tea newbie, can tell the difference. Because the Longjing name is so prized, some farmers even import tea from other areas nearby that cannot take the Longjing appellation and call it that just to make more money.

There is only one man, the Hat Man, because he always wears a hat, on my brother’s street, who does it all by hand, all three cooks. His tea is by far the best. He has won competitions ever since he was young. In some circles in Shanghai, his tea costs 180 Yuan a cup; that is about thirty U.S. dollars for two grams. A tea master will get four maybe five soaks in the cup. We buy our tea from him exclusively, and my brother has spent hours at his side watching and learning; he still cannot replicate the motion or feel the tea. It will take years. I really like the Hat man. He is simple, friendly, shrewd, intelligent, and prone to drinking too much. And, he cannot play pool very well, but loves to gamble; my kind of guy. I play for him for tea, and cash, but always buy a lot of tea from him.

Here are a couple of video links to the Hat Man, another neighbor whom I like, and the dreaded machine cooking:

https://vimeo.com/65616158
https://vimeo.com/65814485
https://vimeo.com/65815245
https://vimeo.com/65815663

After the tea is cooked it is sorted into sizes and quality. The early high elevation teas are the most expensive. I am drinking tea that is about $350 USD a pound. It is an unbelievable cup of tea.

Special thank you to my impromptu editor. You should check out her blog: http://mouseintokyo.wordpress.com/ You will be the better for it.

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When are you free to pick some tea with me? 1/3

It is tea season in the village, and all around Hangzhou. Hangzhou is Mecca for green tea.  This is where the famous Dragon Well Longjing Tea comes from. All of winter is forgotten and spring has burst forth.  The first leaves picked before the Qingming (pronounced Chingming) or Tomb Sweeping Holiday is the most prized.  These are the smallest and most tender leaves; this tea can fetch up to $1,000 per pound.  This is the time when farmers make all their money.

Wide brimmed bamboo woven hats dot the countryside as women gather to pick the tea. They sing tea songs, and I sit mesmerized listening to soft atonal murmurs in the spring breeze. The tunes are broken up by staccato and high pitched screaming. It sounds like they want to kill each other, but laughter follows. It is unsettling.  The Chinese are loud in almost all communication, but never to Westerners. The best pickers are supposed to be young virgins. I think it is because it gives the idea of purity to the tea. Maybe they are purer and less distracted, but if you ask me, I believe it is more about exploiting women, and that they are more coordinated.  None of the women on the mountain here look too young, so maybe the culture is changing with mandatory schooling. I hope so.  The age of sexual consent in China is marriage…period. Hymen checks are still done in the country side.  After you are married a lot of messing around happens.  It is accepted on all sides.  Welcome to the Chinese mind.

Tea picking is hard work. Not so much backbreaking like hoeing or weeding, but fastidious, careful and focused. Only the new green leaves are plucked, they shoot out from little branches, a bright green. Tea leaves grow in a sort of trident when they are young.  You have to nip the budding tea leaves, much like pinching the growing bits of the tomato plant in between branches to ensure the sap goes to the fruit.  A really good tea picker can pick two kilos a day.  That is a really good tea picker.  I worked for an hour and a half and got about four ounces.  The Ai laughed at my progress.  The secret is to have your hands palms facing up with the thumb and index tips touching. If you can imagine a reclining OK sign, you will have it.  They work with both hands and the plucking motion has a twist to it so that the little tea leaf bud comes whole with the three leaves intact. They strip a branch and move onto the next. When their hands are full, it is delicately placed into a wicker basket attached to their waist. It looks effortless.  The idea is to have as little wasted motion as possible.  The bodies hardly move but the hands are a flurry of activity.  They seem to see the leaves that want to be picked.  I look at an area and see lots of the bright green shoots, move over to the spot, and they all seem to have disappeared.  It is frustrating, like trying to see what is in a fractal image. “No God damned it; I cannot see the cheetah running after the gazelle. All I see are purple and green dots.”  I am told it takes time.  Well, there is always tomorrow and the next day, until they decide it is no longer profitable to pick tea. Since my brother does not sell his tea, we pick all through the season, until the rains come in early May.

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Bamboo You!

Apparently I have been rather morbid lately in my posts: mutilation, vomiting, airing my laundry etc. This is an attempt to rectify the situation. I write, edit little, and put it out there.  Deal with it :-)

Just down the road from my little village is the famous bamboo garden path or park. It is a vast hiking trail up the dragon’s spine and around to various places in the mountains. This whole area is a preserved National Historic Site. It is called the Yunqi Bamboo Path. The bamboo there grows 120 feet high. A famous Emperor “Qianlong (Chien-Lung)”came to pray twice. He loved this part of China. I do too. See picture below of the map, or go to Google maps and enter “Bamboo-lined Path at Yunqi Xihu,” or go to “30°11’40 N 120°5’17 E”. Yunqi literally means “The roosting of the clouds.”

It is a magic place. I have been here since December 1st 2012, so it has changed from late autumn to winter, and now as I publish this to a bright green spring with shoots everywhere. Enjoy the slide show below.  I will add more pictures to the slideshow as I continue to explore this paradise.  On nice days, I go there with my guitar and play to the imaginary bamboo muses, hoping for inspiration. The latest walk was in a snow storm. I was the only person walking up to the small temple at the top of one of the mountains. Dogs are not allowed into the park and no matter what I did to dissuade Pong and Wong they followed anyway. I guess they figured the silly foreign human who feeds them might need help. I arrived at the gate, and the lady said no me NO DOGS! I smiled and said in English: these are not my dogs. I tried in Chinese and came up with No Dog Me. This was funny to others later. She was not amused. I smiled paid my 8 RMB ($1.30) to go for a walk. She tried to shoo the dogs away, but they walked around a wall and joined me further up the path. I would not have made it without them. The place was basically deserted and a heavy wet snow was falling. It was magic. I have been a little down lately and the company of Pong, Wong, and nature was to be the antidote. It is a long walk to the temple and with the added snow I knew it would be hard work. The dogs were thrilled to keep me company and always ran ahead and looked back urging me on. “Come on little two legs…you can do it.” They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. That may be true, but you still have to walk the rest of the way. This was a journey of ten thousand steps, literally. I had a jar of green tea to fortify me. I wished I had had a peanut butter sandwich. I almost turned back about three-quarters of the way up, but I found a bamboo staff by the side of the stairs. I took it as a sign and I would not have made it up and back without it. Thank you Universe.  I was alone at the temple; I lit incense and a few candles. I sat for a while and accepted the beauty and my current situation. A wandering minstrel my father calls me.  By the time I got to the bottom of the mountain, the snow had turned to rain and a large group of pilgrims were chanting and burning incense. I felt cleansed and purified in the incense and song. I was also very hungry.

Of the 1575 known bamboo species worldwide, 110 species are recorded to have edible shoots. Edible meaning a satisfactory to delicious taste, because even though some bamboo shoots are classified as edible, they must be carefully prepared and boiled before consuming!

Bamboo shoots may contain significant, potentially very toxic, amounts of cyanogenic glycosides. Various reports even place bamboo shoots amongst the most potentially toxic plant materials, exceeding apricot, bitter almond stones and considerably exceeding that of cassava.

However, the cyanogenic glycoside in bamboo is in fact taxiphyllin. Taxiphyllin is unusual amongst other similar compounds in the sense that it degrades readily in boiling water. Thus boiling bamboo shoots or cooking bamboo shoots should remove any problem.

- See more at: http://www.guaduabamboo.com/edible-bamboo-shoots.html#sthash.zZVIkdVs.dpuf Read more: Edible Bamboo Shoots and Species

You can dry bamboo shoots, and like mushrooms reconstitute them in warm water. Fresh ones are better. There are two types of eating bamboo here called winter bamboo and spring bamboo. Spring is long and thin, and the winter squat and more pyramidal. A mix of the two is a treat. I am sure the variety changes so I cannot be more specific. I like them done very simply sliced thinly, parboiled then sautéed with ginger, and a little garlic in a very hot wok. Finish with a little sesame oil.

You can also take the big bamboo shoots that are about a foot and a half tall, and five to seven inches in diameter, and peel them and cut them into large chunks. They are a great flavoring in a long-simmered lamb stew.

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Hong Kong Chewy

I have spent five days in Hong Kong. It has been an extravaganza of food. There is much to do here and a lot to see, but food and shopping are the two main activities, unless you count horse racing and gambling. I hate shopping, so eating was the focus.

Hong Kong food varies: from the best street food I have ever eaten, to a three star Michelin Chinese restaurant.  We sampled it all.  Overwhelmed by the prospect of writing about all the food, I decided instead to photograph every dish we ate. Yes, every dish. I gained five pounds in five days. Second breakfasts, third lunches, double dinner.  Special mention to Tim’s Kitchen, and Chuen Kee Seafood in Sai Kung Harbor…and of course Lung King Heen. I am in awe.

We were only three; let the orgiastic feast for your eyes begin…it is a long slideshow. At some point I will try to put a brief caption for each photo.

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The roses in the window box…

I have a confession. I have never been good at it. I can compartmentalize and sequester, and even fool myself that it doesn’t matter, but when that moment comes, that final moment of ending, I am always afraid. Even if I know it is the right thing, I cannot easily look at a person and say goodbye.

The interior monologue goes something like: Am making the right decision? Am I risking the only good thing in my life? My stomach churns, and the little high-pitched whine in the ears deafens, my palms get hot and sweaty.  Why do you have to hurt some one? Is this a pattern? Idiot! Am I capable of this? I was clear from the beginning…but that doesn’t make the time together less important, it just makes it finite. There goes the compartment creator again.   It scrambles my mind and heart.

Afterwards, given my nature, I want to call. Are you okay? I know I shouldn’t pick– the wound that is no longer us  still too fresh for a scab, but I cannot help it. I contemplate the rawness and don’t sleep. I do not call.

My nature is one where I have many irons in the fire, and I am good or better than average at things I strive to learn. I am a passionate binger. I don’t want to choose one thing to be passionate or great at (I am not sure I have that greatness anyway). It limits me and broadens me at the same time. Such self indulgence, and as my son called me out: Nice to have only first world problems. No flies in the eyes here, just self loathing and pity.

I will return to Asia in silence and know this will be a time for recovery and healing.

Take two slices of good bread, and toast them lightly. Slather butter and add honey to taste. Serve with a strong cup of tea. read a book and sleep dreamless.

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I will Survive…after a Fashion – - Xin Nian Kuai Le

Happy Year of the snake!  Xin Nian Kuai Le (pronounced Shin Neeyen Kwai La) The New Year is officially underway as the fifteenth (our 24th) passed on Sunday. For a description of the lunar calendar, see the previous post.  Good luck and prosperity to all!

As I have mentioned in a previous post, my poison, my drug of choice is booze. I am what I heard Janis Joplin called a “juicer.” There are many reasons for it, and I can drink a lot, but I can quit too, so I am not too concerned. It adds a little to the middle, but hey, at my age a six pack abdomen would be aggressive. Chinese New Year is a time for festivities and serious partying. Fireworks deafen everyone and light up the sky. You can buy these large immigrant suitcase-sized boxes of fireworks and they are pro-quality. Every car alarm and dog howls for miles. The family (my brother, wife and children) are not drinkers. This bothers the neighbors because they cannot get them to be silly. I was touted as the drinker and they have all lain in wait.  The goal? get older brother or gege (pronounced gugu like gum) drunk. They succeeded in spectacular fashion. Everyone invites me in for a quick snort of the not so strong, yeah right, alcohol they ferment, distill, do I don’t know what with. If I never have Baijiu again, that will be fine. It is a wicked white lightening distilled from sorghum. The base percentage alcohol of baijiu is 55% or 110 proof. The good stuff is 65% or 130 proof. The good stuff is gross.

Round one came at the hands of the family’s landlord and dinner at his house. We sat in an unattractive apartment with a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling. All of us around a table as food began to appear cooked by the mother in law. The food was simple and good, I think. The landlord and I were the only ones drinking biajiu. It was a special brew from his home village in a thirty liter punch jar with a glass stopper. Marinating in the white alcohol was a long thin brown thing. It was a deer whip from the red musk deer, and quite prized. Deer whip is the penis FYI. It is supposed to impart flavor and or course virility. He poured us two six ounce Dixie cups full and said cheers. There are a couple of different kinds of cheers here: Sui Ni (pronounced sway nee) translates as you wish, and gambei (gambay) which means dry glass. The first one was an as you wish, and then half way through the cup, a refill naturally, to keep the cup full. I felt like a hot chick at a bar looking at her glass of chardonnay and seeing it is always full. DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!!! The second cup was an initial sui ni, and then half way through that it was gambei. It was only 5:20 in the afternoon. We drank four cups with little refills by 6:30. We both went from fine to buzzed to incoherent in an hour and fifteen minutes. I sort of remember the meal. The landlord apparently fell into the dining room table and all the food. We also head butted each other and I awoke at three in the morning with teeth marks on my forehead and no memory of the said events.  We became best friends and were going to travel the world together singing Karaoke. I took three aspirin and went back to bed. He was much worse off than I was. It has been a neighborhood story for a week. End round one: USA vs. China 1 – 0. He did not resurface for three days.

Round two was at a bar with three Chinese guys who like to play pool. They decided they would drink me under the table; beer and tequila. They had no chance. Tequila is my Mexican mother’s milk. They tried to gang up on me with gambei shots, but the secret according to my brother and he is right, is not to do shots with each of them, but to lay each one to waste individually. It is true that I was doing three to the individual’s one, but I was okay with that. One passed out at the table, the second went to be sick and returned green at the gills, and the third waved a white flag in surrender. USA vs. China 1 – 0, now 2 – 0 – 0. I felt like a college kid. Silly at my age, but every once in a while who cares? And it was for my country, so I had to hold up the flag, and stand proud. USA! USA! USA! <grin>

Round three: landlord dinner, we were seven total, and began at three pm. I had not had lunch. I am not sure how or why, but I caught a good wave. Three of us drank a bottle of baiju. Another three could not drink the baiju and drank rice wine and beer. The landlord can drink; he is my equal if not superior. The others were his cannon fodder. After dinner we went out to Karaoke TV (KTV). They take this very seriously in Asia. People go to private rooms and practice. All inhibitions fall by the wayside. If the KTV people were smart they would put poles in the rooms. Fruit plates and snacks appeared: dried squid, weird dried spicy tofu (pronounced dofu), beef, pork, and cuttlefish jerky. Peanuts, pistachios, sunflower seeds, strange gelatin fruit flavored cups, Bugles for God sakes, and four cases of beer.  Beer isn’t really considered a drink. It was gambei all the way. The landlord and I shifted from being adversaries to allies and laid the room to waste. Some other people arrived and tried to gambie me to death. I looked at them and said…NO WAY. I have had fifteen beers glasses, you have had none. You must gambei eight right now to play. To be fair, and the Chinese are fair if you call them on it, there is a sense of honor. They fell for the challenge and were killed in the field of battle.

The only way to survive this is to walk to the bathroom while you still can and get rid of all that you are holding in your stomach. If you do not, you will die. I had two such trips. Given the state of the lavatories, I assume it is a fairly common practice. I was thankful to be rid of the devil baijiu. Then it was smooth sailing from there on out. YUCK!

Round three: senior drunks vs. all comers 1 – 0. We are no longer drinking for our countries and face. We were brothers. They dropped me off at the bottom of the road and I tottered home, feeling a little more Chinese.

Round four: Reggae Bar, downtown Hangzhou beer and tequila. No problems and all well. USA beat China and the UK handily. Three Brits had bought three steamer trunk sized firework boxes and at 23:50 went out into the street to set them off and welcome the New Year with a bang. The bar emptied to watch the show. It was impressive. So much so that the roof of the Reggae Bar caught fire and the firemen had to come and douse the flames. Nothing serious, just a lot of stored cardboard boxes and laundry; there was no structural damage according to the firemen. We returned inside and kept drinking.

Thank goodness it was the last night of the New Year’s festivities..

I QUIT!

P.S. No pictures that I have seen so far.

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Knock Knock…Who is there?

An entire goat arrived today by post. It is a little strange, but stranger still is that it arrived from Western China over the New Year celebration. Everything stops dead here during this holiday season.  Web sites say they will not ship until the 14th. But, it is the 18th you say, so you mean in March? No, the 14th of the month. Huh? When Chinese New Year (CNY) comes around the solar calendar goes out the window and everyone refers to the lunar dates…it is confusing…here try this:

CNY: A year in the Chinese calendar begins on the second new moon after the winter solstice, unless an intercalary month moves it to the third new moon.

Correspondence between solar terms and lunar months

The month is a lunar term, and the Chinese calendar is a lunisolar term. So the month name is corresponding to the solar term.

Generally, the midpoint of the solar term decides the month name.

Winter solstice decides Dongyue. Great cold decides Layue. Rain water decides Zhengyue. Vernal equinox decides Eryue. Grain rain decides Sanyue.

Grain full decides Siyue. Summer solstice decides Wuyue. Great heat decides Liuyue. Limit of heat decides Qiyue. Autumnal equinox decides Bayue.

Frost’s descentdecides Jiuyue. Light snow decides Shiyue. And a month without a midpoint of solar term is an intercalary month.

But, the nodes and midpoints of the solar terms are decided by true sun position after 1645, and the dys between the midpoints near to the perihelion may be 29 days. But, the month length may be 30 days.

It means that there’re possibly 2 midpoints in a month. If one of the two midpoints is winter solstice, the month should be defined as Dongyue compulsorily. The month before/after Dongyue may be not corresponding to the solar term. for example:

The ligth snow and winter solstice in 2033 is occuring in the same month. The month should be Dongyue. But, the months before/after the Dongyue may be not corresponding to the solar term.

1. There’s no midpoint in the month before the Autumn equinox, is Bayue aginst Intercalary month.

2. The month with autumn equinox is Jiuyue against Bayue

3. The month with frost’s descent is Shiyue against Jiuyue

4. There’s no midpoint in the month before Vernal equinox is Zhengyue against Intercalary month.

It’s an exception. Certainly, the exceptions are rare. In the 600 years from 1810 to 2409, there’re 7421 months. only 11 months meet the wrong midpoint of the solar term, and 19 months(except the intercalary month) miss the midpoint of the solar term.

Got it? I didn’t think so, neither do I.  It doesn’t really matter.  We will all get it in fifty or so years when China runs everything.  The mighty J decided we needed a real lamb from his driver’s village in Western Mongolia. He was told it would be impossible because everything was closed and no one was shipping. So, he browbeat the shipping company to send it anyway cost be damned. He and China are surreal. Can you imagine a UPS customer service representative getting a call from a customer saying they want a package delivered on such and such a date and the agent trying to tell the customer that they are closed for some holiday and being browbeaten and asked what it will take to get it done? Let me speak to your manager…and so on and so forth until it happens. I would like to have been a fly on that wall.

We opened the Styrofoam coffin and there was the most beautiful lamb, dead thank God (you never know with J.), and frozen.  We laughed and shook our heads. Morning plans scuttled, I had to deal with it. It had been gutted and emptied and skinned. The fat was beautiful and there was a wild gamy smell we don’t find much in lamb anymore.  I miss that.  I took the little guy apart (sorry no pictures) and tonight for dinner we will have the entire rib cage and chops grilled over an oak wood  fire. They are marinating in olive oil and fresh garlic, rosemary and thyme. Polenta and stir-fry greens will accompany it. I would kill for a great glass of red wine, a Pauillac, an ’82?  Oh well…I should find out what awful white lightening they serve out in Western Mongolia and get some. I had a New Year’s experience last week with a grain alcohol with deer whip soaking in it. I don’t remember a thing and my brother’s landlord who hosted the event was in worse shape than I was.  I went from sober to comatose in about an hour and ten minutes. Scary!

Marinade for lamb:

Zest of a half lemon chopped into a bruniose
2 Racks of ribs from shoulder to butt (ribs untrimmed shouldbe 26 ribs including floating one)
5 sprigs fresh rosemary (stems removed)
10 sprigs fresh thyme (stems removed)
Fresh black pepper
One head of garlic smashed
1 cup good olive oil
Kosher salt for after grilling

Split the racks into double chops leaving the entire rib for gnawing. Trim any excess fat you don’t want to eat.  They will look like long little lamb-sicles. Place on a non-reactive container, stainless steel, or plastic. Add all ingredients except the salt and let it sit for a half day.

Get a good fire going and wait until coals are red with a coat of ash. The fire is a 4 second fire, which means that you should not be able to hold your hand over it two inches away from the gill for more than four seconds. Grill the chops turning only once to the desired doneness. I like them rare to medium rare…so about 3 to five minutes a side. Serve immediately and let the cave person come out. EAT WITH YOUR HANDS and GNAW…drink whatever you will.

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Don’t Take that Tone with Me, and the Sight of One Hand Counting

I have chopped off a part of my left index finger with a hand scythe splitting kindling for the wood burning stove. Ouch! is all I can say. No guitar for a while or a lot of other things. I wonder if it will grow back normally or will I have a permanent sharp angled finger? Frustrated and bored, I have been playing with other things – although even typing this sucks.

I have been trying to master/learn/hear the four tones in Mandarin, not easy. Thank goodness it is not Taiwanese with eleven, or Cantonese with seven. My brother made a short video for me with anchor-point instructions, see here. Additionally I have discovered The Dude System or suprasegmental phoneme mastery by Kaiser Kuo  (originally printed in Insiders Guide to Beijing 2010 p. 487 excerpted here):

 Tone the first: Dude, the disapproving tone, as to the clumsy roommate who has just knocked over your Graphix, and gotten bong water all over your Poli Sci 142 Reader “Dude, I can’t believe you spilled my bong again.”

 Tone the second: Dude?, in the concerned but creeped-out way you might address the roommate you discover sitting naked and cross-legged in the dark, chanting “Nam myoho-renge-kyo” and sounding a little brass bell.

 Tone the third: Duuude (slight uptick) scornfully as if your roommate has asked to borrow 50 dollars so his sensei can align his chakras: Yeah right, dude.”

 Tone the fourth: Dude! As if exclaiming in triumph to your roommate when coming home from class having gotten a date with mega-babe Elena from Macroeconomics.

 It works.

The other thing I have learned is how to count to ten on one hand. I learned from my little nephew.  Apparently everyone here knows this.  I had never heard of it…it probably is common knowledge but see the photos for demonstration. Who knew? I like little tricks in life: how to tie a shoe properly, the governess knot, the eleven times table trick…I am now addicted to counting to ten.

Try it. You’ll like it! (The slideshow is a little slow, but I cannot change the settings).

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On Pigs, Goats and Tu Mian (Earth Noodles)

Our day began at 04:00. It was dark and cold; destination the little village where the Ai (Chinese nanny) is from, four hours into the mountains. Mission: slaughter a pig and two goats to take home, butcher, and freeze for winter and spring. We got lost; it was no surprise as the countryside had changed and roads are changing and shifting as China grows and grows and grows. The road we were supposed too take was under construction; it did not look passable at first glance. It had only been six months since the last visit.  We lost a couple of hours and so we were not there for the slaughter which was supposed to be my job. I will have to do it in March/April. No problem.

The village sits at the top of a little mountainside where they cultivate shitake mushrooms in the lower fields, in vast long thatch huts. Most live hand-to-mouth, a farmer’s existence, picking tea in season, getting work where it comes, bee keeping, and making these special noodles that only come from this region: Tu Mian (Earth Noodles). The noodles are six feet long and hang to dry everywhere. This is the time of year for making them.  We took home 40 kilos.  Normally, a middleman comes and buys it all up — cheap. He then puts them in these fancy boxes and sells them to retailers for a hefty profit. Once again, the maker is screwed.  It seems a perfect opportunity for a fair trade template.  Anyone?

The Ai is the only person in her village and all the surrounding area to have worked for foreigners. She got great face by having us there.  When we arrived in the lower village, they all knew who we were and why we were there.  I felt like a Panda bear in a zoo; gawkers everywhere and cameras clicking, children running after the car screaming and smiling. When we finally arrived the pig was cut in half, headless and shaved. The two goats, a nanny and her kid were white and emptied. I wondered how we were going to get all this down to the car a half mile away over treacherous walls and ramparts with steep drops on either side.  I was winded just walking up the hill empty-handed.  It was a trip  with each goat in a basket secured with ropes balanced on a pole over my shoulders coolie style. I wish I had gotten a picture.  The sides of pig were no easier. I cannot imagine the rainy season and getting into the village.

We were fed a delicious lunch of the pig’s liver sliced thinly with ginger and garlic chives. I have not had power food in a long time. I could feel the life and energy of the animal; it was that fresh. We were given a small bowl of rice some sautéed cabbage and a tomato and tofu stew with egg in it, and some fresh greens. The kitchen set up is a great tiled counter with a wok inset. It is an oven/furnace fed by a fire. The great-grandmother, 96 and stone deaf sat behind the thing and kept it stoked feeding sticks and wood into the fire. It is a great setup. It also keeps the kitchen warm.

We returned home well after dark, the car full: pig, goat, noodles, honey, tea, drying sweet potato chips, the Ai, and a live rooster.  I worked until midnight breaking down the carcasses into family portions for the freezer, and making sausages. I slept well.

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